Atmosphere
by Vendredii
Summary: {The atmosphere was getting too heavy. The guilt seemed to hang her by a single thread. The images of those poor children were going to be with her for the rest of her life. Their screams forever burned into her memory. She knew that this was only the beginning.} Amanda is forced to make a tough decision causing trouble at SVU. Will Olivia be able to help her through it? Rolivia
1. Prologue

**A/N: This idea came to mind after a little ketchup incident with my friends…. I'm going to try and actually be a good author this time.  
**

* * *

_Blood, it was everywhere _

_The red covered basically everything_

_And there they lay,_

_Begging for help_

_And she did nothing_

_There was just so much blood_

"Rollins?" Olivia Benson called out for the 4th time. For the entire duration of their car trip with a uniform behind the wheel, the blonde had been staring at her own hands. The smooth palms still showing the red remainder of blood.

"There was just so much blood…" Amanda Rollins muttered. Her blonde bangs covered her face, almost acting as a shield to her shame.

Olivia wanted to reach out and just pull the younger woman into an embrace, tell her it would be okay and whisper soothing things in her ear. But she decided against it. Now was not the time to hit on her. "Amanda, none of this is your fault." Thankfully, the name change didn't go unnoticed by Amanda.

"How can you tell me that, when I did nothing?" Amanda said with her voice quiet.

"You did everything you could, Amanda. I promise. I would've done the same thing." Olivia turned her head up towards the windshield. The squad car they occupied was now pulling up in front of the 1-6th Precinct.

It didn't matter what time of day, the press would always find a way to out everyone's life on the front page. No matter whom it was, and today was no different. From the New York _Times_ to small newspaper groups, reporters and journalist flooded the front sidewalk of the precinct. A few uniforms held them from getting too close. But all they cared about was getting their story.

It took no longer than 3 seconds after Olivia and Amanda exited the squad car for reporters to be on them in a flash. The senior detective wrapped her arm around Amanda's shoulder as an attempt to keep her away from the circus. But Amanda heard every question.

"Detective Rollins, how do you feel knowing that almost 100 children's lives were ended because of you?" One reporter asked.

_There was just so much blood_

"Detective, is there anything you would've done differently as a way to save even just one person?" Another asked.

"Detective, if you could guess, how many children were in that room?" And they just continued on. Each one made her feel even worse. It made her feel just as guilty. Had it not been for the strong hand on her shoulder, Amanda was sure she would've broken down right then and there. The camera lights flashed in her face. Everyone eager to get a picture for their front page story. The story everyone would be reading. Thanks to her.

The atmosphere was getting too heavy. The guilt seemed to hang her by a single thread. The images of those poor children were going to be with her for the rest of her life. Their screams forever burned into her memory. She knew that this was only the beginning. Everyone now had a reason to hate her. America's new least favorite person, at least in New York. She wore their blood on her sleeves, literally and figuratively. This was only the beginning.

Captain Donald Cragen watched from the window of his office with a somber look on his face. His eyes followed Olivia as she steered Amanda through reporters. He could see how hard this would be. He knew things for SVU would never be the same. But he wasn't going to hold any of it against Amanda. Even though he only knew a few small details on the situation. He let out a sigh and turned around from the window once he saw the two women entered the front doors.

"Um…" The brunette trailed off as she noticed the scarcity of the precinct. Besides 2 uniformed cops, Nick, Fin and Cragen, the place was empty. Amanda felt the 3 pairs of eyes burning on her. She turned her gaze away quickly, too ashamed to see the look of disappointment. She was so grateful Alex wasn't there.

"How about we go get you a different shirt…?" Olivia asked, although she was practically talking to herself. With her arm still around Amanda's shoulder, the two of them headed off towards the locker room.

_There was just so much blood_

She didn't mean to stare. She didn't even mean to stay in the locker room. She knew it was wrong. Olivia continued to scold herself mentally as she watched Amanda pull off the blood-soaked blouse she had been wearing. If Amanda noticed Olivia still standing there, she didn't say anything. After all, the brunette was out of eyesight. But her breath caught in her throat when Amanda began unbuckling her belt. She needed to get out there. Quickly.

No.

Olivia was a grown woman, and right now, Amanda needs emotional support. Not someone to stare at her. Olivia found herself averting her mocha eyes towards the door just as Amanda began pulling down her half bloody jeans. She had only caught a glance of the dark green lace underwear.

The sound of the locker door closing was audile, and gave Olivia slight permission to look at Amanda again. Just to make sure the younger woman was okay. Clad in stonewashed jeans and an old NYPD hoodie, Amanda sat on one of the bunk beds with her head in her hands. Olivia didn't need to hear anything to know she was crying.

Deciding it would be best to console her, Olivia moved towards her colleague slowly.

"Amanda, it's okay." Olivia said softly while placing a delicate hand on Amanda's shoulder.

"No it is not. It's not and it never will be." She answered; her voice still quiet and her head still in her hands.

_There was just so much blood_

* * *

**Should I continue this?  
**


	2. The Beginning

_I can't promise_**  
**

_To fix all your problems_

_But I can promise_

_You won't have to face them alone_

**Previously…**

The gang rarely ever went to bars of such a high standard after work. But after a series of extremely horrible cases for the past 3 entire weeks, they needed it. It seemed that ADA Casey Novak had said it best; 'The perverts like to play in the summer'. And sure enough, with it hitting mid-July, the case rate had increased. So now, the squad occupied _Mackenzie's, _a bar not too far from the precinct, which also doubled slightly as a club.

The place wasn't packed or empty. But sure enough, people danced and drank the night away. Except for a certain redhead.

"Counselor, aren't you going to participate?" Amanda Rollins joked as she held up her own half empty beer.

Casey Novak chuckled slightly, grateful for the laugh that the blonde had gave her. She needed it. She watched as Amanda began taking another swing of her beer while looking onto the other end of the bar where Nick, Fin, Olivia and Rafael stood talking. "My doctor says no more alcohol for the next 8 months at the least."

Amanda choked on her beer as she caught on to what Casey meant. "So you and Alex—"

Casey smiled. "Yeah. But don't tell anyone else, we just want to be sure." The blonde nodded in understanding.

"Your secret is safe with me." Amanda's Southern accent cut through the air, but the music blasting slightly made it hard for Casey to hear.

Olivia Benson watched from the other end of bar at Amanda and Casey. She never really remembered them ever being the greatest of friends. It was only known by Fin that Olivia had the slightest crush on the Southern Belle. But surprisingly, Fin had no clue as to his partner's sexual orientation, and it wasn't like he could just ask.

She just couldn't keep her eyes off of Amanda. It wasn't just physical attraction. At first it was, but after Olivia got to really know the younger woman, she realized it was much more to her than that. A lot more. Her personality was so intriguing to the senior detective. Olivia loved how Amanda would rub her temples when frustrated or how her accent would come out strong with high emotion, or even how her face would grow soft when talking to victims. Olivia also realized she had a lot to learn from this woman.

"So I heard you're taking a transfer to Albany next week?" Olivia asked after noticing she's been out of the conversation for too long.

Rafael finished his Scotch before answering. "Yes, it's seems that McCoy and Cutter are getting tired of me." He chuckled.

"So doesn't that mean that Alex takes over your position?" Nick wanted to know.

"Actually, Kim will be taking my position. But for now, she's on maternity leave." Rafael answered.

"Wait, what?" The three detectives said in unison.

"I see you haven't heard about that." Rafael laughed at the detective's question.

"Damn straight now spill." Fin smiled back.

"Well," The ADA began. "Apparently, Greyleck, or should I say Mrs. Langan—"

"Are you seriously telling that story?" Casey asked rhetorically as she and Amanda walked back up to the group. Before Rafael could give an equally rhetorical smart ass comment he would usually give, Olivia's phone rang. This turned all attention to the brunette. Since the music was too loud, she exited the bar as she answered the phone.

"Benson." She said once outside. Cab horns still honked apartment building lights still shined and the cool wind still blew harshly.

"_Uni's found 3 young girl's bodies along with 2 young males. I need you and Amanda done at Ash and Michaels Law Firm; ASAP." _Cragen commanded into the phone."

Olivia looked back through the glass windows at Amanda. The younger woman talked with Fin and Casey, all the while smiling. For some unknown reason, it brought a smile to her own face to see Amanda happy. She forgot she still had Cragen on the phone.

"Sure thing, Cap." And with that, Liv ended the phone call.

What she didn't know was that this would be the case to change all of their lives.

_.x._

"So what do we have?" Amanda asked walking upon Melinda and other technicians around the crime scene. The brick alleyway between the law firm and a bar called _Mallerina_'s held blood of 5 now lifeless bodies. It sickened both the women, Amanda more. Olivia had been doing this for years, but it still bothered her. Amanda felt she would never be able to get used to that feeling of sadness every time a new case landed on her desk.

Melinda Warner let out a sigh as she stood up from her crouched seat on the grass. "3 girls between the ages of 15 and 10. I can't say much for age on the boys here. But I'll know more when I get them back to the lab, of course."

Amanda swallowed the lump in her throat. "Were they raped?"

"Yes. Both boys sodomized and girls raped." The African-American woman answered sadly. Olivia was about to ask another question, but Amanda abruptly walked off the scene.

"Amanda?" Olivia called after the younger woman following her. The younger woman ignored her colleague's calls and rounded back over to the side of the SVU facing away from the crime scene. Catching up with her, Olivia called out her name again.

"How do you do it?" Amanda muttered out leaning against the side of truck. Lately, it seemed as if cases had been getting to her more than they should.

"It'll get better. " The brunette walked closer to Amanda, directly in front of her to be exact. She placed a warm hand on Amanda's shoulder along with a caring smile. Olivia had too many thoughts of her own whizzing around her brain to notice Amanda leaning in.


	3. Something Dangerous

_And this is so hard_

'_Cause I didn't see_

_That you were the love of my life_

_And it kills me_

* * *

**The Following Morning…**

Amanda sat up in her bed with a pounding head ache. It felt like 2,000 little men inside her head took turns banging a mallet to her temple. She lifted her hand to massage her temple, but quickly stopped as images of last night filled her head.

_Shit_

She looked over to the other side of her bed. A certain brunette's presence was missing, only making the situation worse. Amanda was entangled her dark red sheets and black comforter. Only then had she realized the problem in front of her. She had just slept with Olivia Benson. And Olivia had probably run out on her in the middle of the night. Not good. This was not good _at all._ The first thing Amanda did was reach over to her night stand for her cellphone. Feeling its presence gone as well, Amanda groaned.

_What the fuck is going on with my head?_

As if the Lord himself had heard Amanda's prayers for relief, the blonde had noticed a glass of water and two aspirin taking up the space of her phone. She took the medicine and water. It had to have been Olivia would put them there. But why did she run out? Amanda mentally slapped herself for asking such a question. Olivia was in a relationship. Even then, there were more flaws. For one, it was with a man—not a woman. Secondly, it was Brian fucking Cassidy. And lastly, they worked together. That's a big recipe for failure.

But the last time Amanda had checked, the couple hadn't been doing too well.

Realizing she needed advice—and some fresh air, Amanda made a mental note to call a certain person after her headache passed (and after she found her phone). The younger woman still however pulled her half-naked body out of her bed to find her shirt…

.x.

"You did what!?" Casey Novak all but screamed at her once Amanda told her the breaking news. The redhead placed her tea back down on the table and stared at Amanda with confusion. "How the fuck did that even happen?"

"Well, Casey." Alexandra Cabot began with a huge smile on her face although she was trying not to burst into laughter. "When two people love each other very, very much—"

"Stuff it, Lex. I'm almost 3 months pregnant; I _know_ how that process works." Casey rolled her eyes playfully at her girlfriend before turning her attention back at Amanda, who had been watching the couple banter.

"Well…I may or may not have kissed her first…." Amanda's seagreen eyes looked around anxiously as she bit her bottom lip. This wasn't exactly how she planned this conversation to go.

"You sound like it's your first time kissing someone, just spill the details." Alex said somewhat impatiently.

The two hours Amanda had taken earlier to sober up had allowed her time to only remember parts of what happened. It left the detective to realize that alcohol at some point had to be involved. Much to her disappointment, because when you sleep with Olivia Benson; you're gonna want to remember it. Not forget it in a drunken haze. Amanda thanked God it was Saturday, meaning that she was off. As well as Olivia. She wasn't sure how she felt about that part.

"We we're called out to a crime scene yesterday, which is why we left the bar. One thing lead to another after we checked out the scene, I mean I kissed her first but she didn't back off." Amanda groaned. "I really fucked up."

"And this all happened yesterday? When I told you I was pregnant?" When Amanda nodded, Casey remained silent for a moment before continuing. "Have you talked to her?" Novak asked.

Amanda looked at the ginger prosecutor with her face mixed with utter horror. "What is the point in doing that?"

"Obviously, she was more than a one night stand, Amanda." Casey pressed a warm hand to Amanda's arm. When Amanda didn't say anymore, Casey continued. "Don't make me cross-examine you." A sad smile emerged on Amanda's face. God, she was really lucky to be able to talk to Alex and Casey like this.

"Okay. So what if I have feelings for her?" Amanda's finger followed the shape of her tea mug.

Alex threw her hand's up in exasperation. "Well, gee Amanda. I don't know. Maybe you find out she feels the same then you two could live happily ever after! But what do I know?"

"Don't bite my head off!" Amanda sad raising her hands in defense. "She's the one who ran out—"The blonde was cut off by her cellphone ringing. "Rollins." Amanda quickly answered the call, not bothering to check the caller ID.

"_Cragen needs you down here. We found another girl, alive." _

Amanda almost choked on her own saliva when she heard Olivia's sweet voice. Somehow, she managed to muster out a sentence. "U-Uh sure." Olivia sounded so calm. As if they didn't sleep together.

"_And Amanda?"_

"Yeah?" By this point, the younger woman bid Casey and Alex goodbye and began leaving the coffee shop.

"_We need to talk. Pronto."_

Olivia didn't give her time to answer as she quickly hung up the phone. Talking was not something Olivia wanted to do, but it needed to be done.

Because this was getting out of hand.

_.x._

The little speech about how them sleeping together was a mistake, how it will never happened again, how sorry she was for screwing up a 3 year built friendship, all left Olivia Benson's mind when she saw Amanda that same afternoon. It was like all air was snatched out her throat and replaced with dry sandpaper. She couldn't form a sentence (or face Amanda for that matter). The blonde detective stood clad in a pair of faded jeans and a cameo dark green button up shirt. Olivia felt guilty ever since she ran out at 5 in the morning. Not after taking an hour to study the blondes relaxed form.

Amanda had let out a sigh of relieve when she entered the precinct to find Olivia gone. But it did pull at another heartstring.

"So what is our alive victim's name?" Amanda asked Fin after sending a brief glance at Liv.

"Robyn Asani is 15 years old from Sunrise, Florida. She went missing 2 years ago from the park along with friend, Ashlynn de Maui." Fin answered. He noticed the tension between the two women, but decided it'd be best to kept him nose out of it. Whatever was going on, they could solve it on their own, right?

Amanda took a look at the timeline Amaro had set out yesterday. The other bodies were yet to be identified. The perp was careful by cutting off their finger tips and any identifying marks. A picture of Robyn along with Ashlynn was placed recently. At least they could tell Robyn parent's she was alive.

Cragen emerged from his office. "Rollins, I want you to go talk to Robyn."

"But Captain—"Olivia began to object.

"No buts. I want fresh eyes."

Amanda let out a sigh.

_Talking to Olivia would just have to wait._

_.x._

Robyn Asani was a tall and slender girl with long black hair and piercing green eyes. It saddened Amanda when she saw how dull and lifeless they looked. The teenager sat with her knees up to her chest, her anxious eyes darting everywhere

"Hi, Robyn. I'm Detective—"Amanda began in a quite tone.

"Detective Rollins." Robyn said barely above a whisper. "He told me you'd be here."

Amanda raised her eyebrows, but didn't want press anything just yet. "Robyn, they found you in a pond at Central Park. And you're from Florida. Do you know where you are?" The junior detective was keeping some distance to make Robyn feel comfortable.

"Yes. I'm in New York." Robyn answered, her eyes never meeting Amanda's.

"Okay, Robyn." Amanda took a hesitant step closer. "Do you know how you got here?"

"No." Robyn looked as if she was about to break down crying, so Amanda decided to take a different approach.

"That's okay. Do you know how you ended up at in the pond?"

Robyn hugged her knees tighter. "I had to. It was the only way to end the game."


	4. Panic

_They say pain is an illusion _

_This is just a bruise _

_And you are just confused_

_But I am only human_

**Two Days Prior to the first chapter**

Amanda Rollins turned her attention from the dark sky outside her window and looked to her coffee table where her phone buzzed. The phone made a soft hum against the wood. She didn't have to see the caller I.D to who it was. It was the same person she had been avoiding, the same person who had already called her 5 other times, the same person who she was afraid off.

Olivia.

It was shocking, really, how something that was supposed to be meaningless turned into bitter silence and awkward conversations. _This is why you don't sleep with co-workers, Amanda_. She stood there as her phone rain,, trying to decide whether or not to answer it. Answering it would end all of this deadly confusion, hopefully, not answering could mean losing a very valuable friend and asset in her life. She picked up her phone with uneasy hands. Just as Amanda's finger tips prepared to graze the answer button, an urgent sounding knock at her door pulled her away. She instead hit decline and opened her door to reveal someone she'd never thought she would see.

As soon as she saw the sick smile on his face, she tried to close and deadbolt her door. With her shoulder pressed to it, she tried with every bit of strength she had to close it.

"Amanda…we could do this the easy way or the hard way." He said.

Giving up, she dashed from her front door back into her living room. Hearing the thud of her door against the wall scared the living crap out of her. Her eyes searched frantically for where she put her phone. But she didn't get to grab it as he grabbed her hair and slammed her face into the wall, knocking her out.

**1 Day Later**

Her head hurt.

No, wait, it throbbed painfully. The light in whatever room she was in was way too bright, and she hadn't even opened her eyes yet. She tried to move her arms, no such luck. She tried to lift her head out its very uncomfortable position. Her neck cried in agony along with her head, but she ignored them. She concentrated on relaxing. After a few minutes, she was able to open her eyes.

"Casey?" Amanda's voice called out. The redhead prosecutor sat directly in front of her, tied up the same way Amanda was; with her arms bound behind her back and her legs duct taped to the legs of the chair. Casey mumbled something incoherent, still wearing off the effects of whatever drug they had been given. Amanda went into a panic mode. Casey was about 2 months along, and Amanda knew that Alex would personally kill her if anything happened to Casey. The blonde heard multiple voices in the background, mostly children.

The last thing she remembered was sitting in her apartment. Everything else was blank.

And it irritated the hell out of her.

**Meanwhile…**

"What the hell do you mean you can't find them?" Alex Cabot all but yelled at the detectives. Olivia Benson let out a tired sigh as she pinched the bridge of her nose. Casey missing bothered her, too, but Amanda missing worried her beyond compare. Although the blonde had kept her distance from Olivia, it didn't stop the senior detective's feelings. Amanda and Casey had been missing for almost 2 days. Casey being pregnant made the case top-priority.

"Alex, we're trying everything we can." Nick Amaro answered softly.

"What have you found so far?" Cragen asked.

Nick let out a sigh of his own. "No signs of forced entry on Amanda's apartment or Casey's office."

"Keep working on witnesses. You find them, and you find them fast." Cragen ordered once he saw the Police Commissioner enter the squad. _Oh what joy…._

_.x._

"You're holding an NYPD detective and an ADA hostage. You can either let us go now, or my squad will hunt you down like the rabid animal you are." Amanda threatened through gritted teeth at the man in front of her, also what had been their prime suspect in the human trafficking ring they encountered months ago after finding Robyn Asani.

The man, Matthew Hunters, laughed at her as if he were some holy untouchable person. "You don't make the rules, I do." He leaned down in front of her and stroked her face. Amanda tried to jerk her head away, but failed. "Pretty women like you should learn to keep their mouths shut."

"Oh yeah, and what would do if I don't?" Amanda was going to continue frustrating him. Although he blocked her view of Casey, she could tell by the shadows that Casey was fine, hopefully.

"She doesn't seem to learn to well, Matt." Another man, with blonde hair so light it was almost white, said with a small laugh. "Maybe you should just let Andre have her."

Matthew stepped back from Amanda with a sick smile on his face. "Sure, why not. I like redheads better anyway." Amanda's breathing hitched with anxiety about what would happen to her and Casey, but she pushed the thoughts aside and started focusing on escape. He untied her from the chair. Amanda looked around the warehouse trying to find a way out.

"You'll learn sooner or later." Matt said, his hot breath grazing her cheek and neck. "You don't have any authority here."

He directed her through numerous hallways and rooms until they reached a four walled room that was dimly let and had graffiti on the walls. A silver frame bed with a white mattress was against the back wall, a chair in the corner and a light hanging down the ceiling. A bad wave of panic ran over Amanda. Matthew pushed her on the bed. That's when began resisting.

"Hey, you can calm down. I told you, redheads are more my thing." He said, as if it was going to make her feel any better.

"Go to hell." Amanda spit out. He removed her own handcuffs from his back jeans pocket and handcuffed her to the bed post. Placing duct tape to her mouth, he looked at her with another wicked smile.

"And just to think, if you and your squad handed been so nosey, we would be here right now." Matt smirked.

"You're a rapist, you are a criminal. You're going to burn in hell." Amanda retorted.

"I guess that means we'll be seeing each other again." Matthew said, then left the room leaving Amanda to her thoughts for a while.

* * *

**A/N: So, I did delete, then rewrite this ENTIRE chapter. (with bits and pieces of the previous version) This was done because I wrote the previous version at like 1 am and just now had I realized how shitty it was so rewrote it for y'all!**

**So, In a sense, It is a new chapter...don't hate me...**


End file.
